DIARY of LOVE and DECEIT.

               People leave. And everyone knows that in some or the other way. Some probably learn it the hard way, and for some it comes easy – but it’s never easy to accept one thing: People Leave. Unfortunate, yes. Inevitable, kind of, but easy? Nope. Harsh reality. I could say that some people stay but I’ve never seen it. For ‘stay’, is a very long word. It is pretty funny how ironic the sentence is. I wonder how everyone else deals with it, and I wonder why over the period it gets like a ritual. You grow up; you tend to lose a lot of people around you. At first you may not notice, but over the time you see yourself surrounded by barely two or three friends over time. It’s sad, and really upsetting how easily people walk away from you.

                                                In the past one year, I saw it coming. I wouldn’t lie, I could see it. It was right there – and maybe I thought I was doing a lot to avoid it but I couldn’t. Maybe my message wasn’t clear, maybe it got lost in the incommunicative lifestyle we eventually got ourselves into. Didn’t mean I didn’t think about you. Didn’t mean I never felt guilty I couldn’t give you enough time. It was sad because you did mean a lot to me, and my fault was that I didn’t show it. The look on your face, the subtle, but sarcastic remarks you’d make did cut my conscience into a tiny little pieces – but something wasn’t right. Something just didn’t happen. You were my friend, and despite whatever you say or whatever you think – you meant a lot to me. I can’t say the same now but yes, I can reassure you that there was not once in the entire timeframe of my life where I didn’t think of you in what I did. So that night when I was sitting in the dark crying bitterly and trying to analyze where I went wrong – I decided one thing: Life goes on.

                The solution to people leaving is that life goes on. You are going to eventually move on, whether right now you wish to believe it or not… you will. It may seem hopeless, with nobody to turn to, but you have yourself. You will always have you. And as long as you don’t let go of that one feeling which is hope, you will never falter. In the past one year I had a lot of people surrounding me, a lot who claimed to love me, a lot who were always ready to hear me out – but when I look back to see how many are waiting, there are hardly any. Pushing people away is wrong, but sometimes it’s all you can do.

                                                                                                                                                                                I don’t know if the word ‘best friend´ is a myth, but he is my best friend. We don’t spend hours talking anymore, we don’t get the time to roam around the town laughing and frolicking – but when I’m with him, I’m home. There isn’t really anything extra-ordinary about him, he’s a bad listener. He gives the worst reactions and he doesn’t understand most of the emotions I feel. But I know he’s trying, and for me that’s more than enough. I don’t have to tell him I love him every day because he knows. He doesn’t have to tell me because it shows. If times ever separates us like how it usually does with me, I know I will never regret one single moment I’ve had with him. The problem is that whenever I think of losing him, I think that would probably close my doors to a lot of people. He has seen me laugh like a maniac; he has seen me break down piece by piece and cry. At that moment all he did was watch me helplessly from a distance trying to fumble with the correct vocabulary to make me feel better, and it did. I remember the day I looked up at him with eyes full of tears and told him, “Maybe I’m just drowning in self-pity again, but heartbreaks come easily to me.” And he shook his head firmly and said, “Shut up.” Worst advice ever, right? But I smiled because the sincerity in his voice was striking. Every time I think of a world without his friendship, I shudder because I see nothing. Then again, I’ve seen nothing a lot of times and the blackness isn’t that bad anymore. You wouldn’t mind people walking away from your life every day. You meet someone at the station that you used to go to school with and you say goodbye, little knowing when you might actually see them next. You may, or may not. But the thing is you wouldn’t care. Every time I tell him goodbye, I wonder if it’s the last time. I wonder if him or I are going to wake up the next day… and I wonder if things would be the same if one of us didn’t. It’s scary to think of. Every passing day I see a lot of things changing, people, seasons and moods. If one day we’re not friends anymore, I want you to know that you are literally my saving grace. There are a lot of people in your life, but you chose to be with me – means a lot. There are times when I’m unreasonable, irrational and jealous. I make hasty decisions and I yell at you. I tell you very easily, “Get away; I don’t need people like you in my life. You’re just like him, and you will also walk away.” But I know the moment I’ve finished saying this, that maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you are like him, but you won’t go. But my saying this repeatedly might make you go. If one day you wake up and decide not to feel anything for me, know that I will always love you. I’m scared of losing you. And after you’re gone I won’t show anything, but I’ll die every single day without hearing from you. We’ve made promises, we’ve made pacts. We’re foolish together and we think of impossible things – sometimes I know some of them aren’t even close to realistic. One day, we both are going to have our significant others, and we’re going to be happily in love with them. I wish that you and I never lose what we have even then. I know for sure, the man who enters my life will be second after you. Always. Nobody will ever get a privilege like you have. (If at all it is one.)

It’s embarrassing how I wrote so much about him, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid he too will walk out on me, like others. I am afraid that he’ll probably not remember the endless walks and iced-teas at 8 pm after a few years. I’m really, really afraid. Maybe I should just tell him all this, but he’s going to give me a nasty look and shake his head partially hinting that I’m demented and partially expressing the only emotion he’s good at expressing: Exasperation.

It all comes down to a warning note for any person in my life:

     dDlasherryvis is emotionally needy, and it will kill you soon. But don’t you give up on me! I’m not that bad. I can’t show my insecurities but I won’t treat you liketrash. I have never wanted to, and I will not. I don’t want you to cross bridges and get me rainbows. I don’t want you to go out of the way and show me how much you love me. I only want you to assure me you’re there, because maybe that’s enough for me. If you walk away, I will survive – because I always have. But why not prove me wrong?

Either ways, I’ll miss you for a long, long time to come. Know that.