BACK BURNERS.


Back burners—the relationship prospects you keep simmering on the back burner—have always existed in some form or another. You turn them on low and fan the flames at your whim, meanwhile keeping them separate from the main relationship flame. Computers, cell phones, and social media make it easier than ever to keep in touch with these appetizing relationship alternatives. You know who they are. They are the people who you keep waiting in the wings in case your current relationship fails. You might even keep them waiting in the wings in case singlehood fails. You text them. You email them. You send them pictures of your coffee. Keeping them just close enough so that if you decide you want them, all you have to do is turn the dial a little higher.
Sounds like a great plan, right?
Perhaps not for the back burner.
Some of you may already be aware that you're the side dish simmering on low. And maybe you’re fine with it. Maybe you don't want to be the main course. (Scroll to trends 1 and 2 for applicable findings.)
Some of you may be wondering whether someone is communicating with you with aims of a future relationship. Maybe it started with an email, followed by a Facebook message. A quick text here, a DM there and suddenly you find yourself in a computer-mediated quasi-relationship. You know their work schedule, their plans for the weekend, and the book that’s on their nightstand. It’s a friendship. But it’s a relationship. But it’s not an official relationship.You might start to wonder to yourself—what is really going on here?
According to our recent research (Dibble and Drouin, 2014; Dibble, Drouin, Aune and Boller, 2015), there might be some ways to figure this out. In our studies, we defined the term “back burner” for 376 young adults:
“Back burners are people we are romantically and/or sexually interested in, who we’re not currently involved with, and with whom we keep in contact in the possibility that we might someday connect romantically and/or sexually. People can have back burners even if they’re already in a romantic relationship with someone else. Also, a former romantic and/or sexual partner can still count as a back burner so long as we still desire a romantic and/or sexual connection with them.” (Dibble et al., 2015, p. 226)
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